The deadly 4
We have all heard the phrase that prevention is better than cure. But is that valid when it comes to marriage too? When we are in love, somehow our eyes are shaded with rose tinted glasses, and we tend to ignore all the grenades that have the possibility of blowing up our marriage. Our excuse? It’s the “future me’s” problem.
But it is extremely important to find answers to certain questions mutually with your partner. This would ideally help prepare for the inevitable landmines of married life, with a smooth maneuver around them. Apart from some obvious potential problems (finances, in-laws) there are some less obvious ones like “which side of the bed does my partner prefer” or “does he sleep with all the lights off or a night light on”?
The biggest hurdles sometimes come out of the smallest problems or discrepancies. These small things, initially immaterial have a tendency to creep their way into our lives and relationships. How we deal with them can actually make or break a relationship.
At a minimum, couples need to consider the Deadly FOUR https://thestateandmind.com/
Family rituals
In India we celebrate many festivals, and each festival is very personal to each family. Although festivals & rituals are aimed towards togetherness and happiness, not having clarity on a few questions can lead to discrepancies. Finding answers to simple questions like “Whose family rituals around holidays will you follow – yours or your spouse-to-be?”, “How can you create your own holiday rituals as a new family without hurting your parents’ feelings?”
Arguments
Many times, small disagreements can blow up into heated arguments. Having arguments is natural, but when a couple spends more time arguing and less time conversing, there is definitely a red flag there. The best way to avoid a situation like this is to define and find certain answers much before getting married to the person. For example, “What is your typical style for dealing with arguments – yelling, withdrawing, crying?” or “Does your partner prefer to be left alone after an argument? Or discuss the issue that lead to the argument?”
Sit with your partner, understand them, spend time analyzing each other and each other’s behavior.
In-Laws
When you get married to someone, their family becomes your family too by extension. In India, it is considered the spouse’s responsibility to feel and behave in that manner too. Therefore, before getting married it is important to discuss matters like, ‘If you see a problem between your spouse and your parents, how will you handle it?’ and taking it further, how would your spouse expect you to handle it. A healthy mix of expectations, and reality can help you and your spouse meet each other half way, and possibly help reduce any friction now or in the future.
Neatness, cleanliness, household chores
Long gone are the days where only women are expected to partake in household chores. Each individual requires and expects their individuality to not get compromised post marriage. Therefore it is imperative to know your partners at home lifestyle and be made known yours. No matter how similar, two people rarely have the same opinions. Finding answers to questions like “How will you handle your differences about what constitutes neat and clean?” or “What unspoken ideas do you have about the division of household chores?” can help prevent many daily fights or arguments.
Sex
Sex is a very important factor that can build or break a marriage. Sexual intimacy defines the chemistry, comfort and affection a couple feels with each other. Many times certain explorations when it comes to sex are taboo and not so much up for discussion. These explorations are absolutely personal to each individual. Therefore before getting into a marriage a couple should sit down and converse on how you can you discuss exploring different ideas about sex without labeling the other a “prude” or “deviant”? Also, honest and open communication on what you like and do not like – without embarrassing or hurting the other’s feelings is important to set comfortable boundaries and build a deeper bond.
Marriage is a two way street and one of the most important things to remember is that it is not you v/s your spouse, rather it is you both v/s the problem. Work together and beat the problem, and it’s ok to ask for help to do so! There are many pre marital counsellors that can help you find a path to the safe haven we call marriage.
We have all heard the phrase that prevention is better than cure. But is that valid when it comes to marriage too? When we are in love, somehow our eyes are shaded with rose tinted glasses, and we tend to ignore all the grenades that have the possibility of blowing up our marriage. Our excuse? It’s the “future me’s” problem.
But it is extremely important to find answers to certain questions mutually with your partner. This would ideally help prepare for the inevitable landmines of married life, with a smooth maneuver around them. Apart from some obvious potential problems (finances, in-laws) there are some less obvious ones like “which side of the bed does my partner prefer” or “does he sleep with all the lights off or a night light on”?
The biggest hurdles sometimes come out of the smallest problems or discrepancies. These small things, initially immaterial have a tendency to creep their way into our lives and relationships. How we deal with them can actually make or break a relationship.
At a minimum, couples need to consider the Deadly FOUR
By Nivedita Nageshwar
